Which vice would you indulge in if it had no negative side effects

Would you choose to be the worst player on a winning team or the best player on a losing team

I think it would be the best player on a losing team. I'd much prefer the idea that I'd tried my best and hadn't let anyone else down rather than being considered 'dead wood'. Winning in a team is great but not when you don't feel that you've contributed to that and are just freeloading on everyone else's talents.

When you're down, what do you do to feel better

Normally I like to drive down even further into my depression (I don't mean clinical depression but rather just feeling cheesed off) until I get to the real bottom and basically hate the world and want to see it destroyed in a cleansing nuclear fire. Not long after this I normally find myself returning to a sane level of cheerful buoyancy. Masturbation and eating unhealthy food also helps.

Would you sleep with a prostitute

I think I'd find it hard to sleep with a prostitute. I think I'd want to know about them and find out about them as a person first, which of course is ridiculous.

It's an intimate act and hence I'd want to at least like/know something about the person. The testosterone soaked part of my brain might be saying "Yeah, shag loads of women, be a love machine" but the normal part is saying "What are they like as a person, do I like them, do they like me, will I be comfortable lying next to them afterwards".

I had a massage when on holiday a year back and couldn't stop chatting to the masseuse to combat the painful silence of someone you don't know putting their hands on you!

Saying this there is a level of curiosity to see how good a high class expensive escort could actually be. Would the sex really be that earth shattering?

You wonder whether you would actually be good enough in bed to fully appreciate her talents and expertise (ie like putting a learner in a finely tuned race car). In my case, I don't think I would be.

I think I'd have to book her for a night and ask for the 'girlfriend experience'. How she'd take to grabbing a Dominoes pizza and watching a film, after which I'd ask her honest opinion on the movie is another matter.

What event in the past, present or future, would you like to witness in person

I think if it was events in the past, it would probably be the big geological / geographical stuff like Krakatoa blowing up, seeing the dinosaurs or the comet that hit the earth to wipe them out. Maybe it would be interesting to see if Christ was born and whether he was crucified, witness the Battle of Hastings or see if 300 Spartans really did hold off that many Persians.

I remember watching a geographical programme with David Attenborough some years back where he talked about how the Straits of Gibraltar had closed up and the Mediterranean sea basically dried up. Existing islands like Ibiza, Malta etc were transformed into these huge formations extending high above the plain. Then the blockage or wall at the Straits ruptured and the Atlantic Ocean poured in, turning into the biggest waterfall the world had probably ever seen. I imagine that would be pretty impressive to witness.

I think witnessing the end of the Second World War would be interesting though it's hard to gauge how much the relief at it ending would be tempered by the uncertainties of what the future held now that it was over. Whenever you see footage of London on that day there seems to be mass celebrations with everyone cheering and seemingly sleeping with everyone but I imagine if you didn't have anyone, or had lost someone, you could feel very lonely.

In the future I would love to see or at least be around when we make first contact with Aliens. I don't mean that in some kind of fantastical sci-fi thing but rather that I think it will be an event that will change absolutely everything. Religions will need to re-evaluate, we (as in the human race) will suddenly feel very small and not as significant as we had previously thought, governments and authorities would probably be very concerned, theories would abound and literally every person on the planet would have an opinion.

I believe it would be the most significant event to affect the human race and that is something I would like to witness.

What's your proudest accomplishment

This is a tough one for I fear I haven't really done a great deal. I'm pleased with the input I've had in my brother's development but the ultimate responsibility for how he's turned out is down to him.

I was proud of the hard work and effort I put in when I was an estate agent. I always felt the pressure to go against what was expected of an estate agent as everyone has such a low opinion of them. I took the job seriously and personally.

The level of service (accompanied viewings, great photos, floor plans, brilliant details etc) that we offered when we set up our own estate agents made me proud. I always tried to be honest, fair and sincere when doing that job and always shied away from a commission style salary to avoid accusations of selling/renting something unsuitable just to bolster my pay cheque. Ultimately it only lasted for a couple of years so I guess I can't be that proud of it.

The Hooded Fingerer would have to feature but I look on him more as a collaborative effort between my friends and myself. Granted I might be the front man on stage performing the actions but it's my friends that helped shape him with the coming up with the name, the music mix, the original idea, costume suggestions and the support that I needed to pull him off.

With all that said it would probably be this website. I'm sure some would see that as self indulgent and conceited but I'm proud of what I've put down on the site and what insights they might offer into who I am. Hopefully they also make for entertaining / amusing reading for others.

What would you save first if your house caught fire

Naturally it would be loved ones or if being sensible then paperwork, chequebooks etc but if we want some kind of emotive answer then it would be my DVD collection, though I appreciate that would be impractical. I'm trying to think what keepsakes I have of personal value. I mean a lot of things evoke good memories - the tags we had for the Tidy weekenders, the dog tags for Florida 07, my paintball trophy, my polyester sequin shirt, my orange waxed shorts, numerous photos (though a fair few are on here), my Acqua di Parma, my Womble light shade, my music collection. You see, it's quite difficult to narrow it down to one thing.

What one goal do you hope to accomplish this year

It would be great to get my own place but we'll have to see. Obviously an appearance on Britain's Got Talent leading to me being discovered, the website being read more and well received and me being feted by a selection of movie superstars and lovely women would do very nicely.

Will the world be a better or worse place in 100 years

I know as people get older the past always looks better than the future but I have to say that I think the world will be a worse place. The pace and advance of science does not seem like it did some years ago and whereas one might have thought that the future held great advances in medicine, space travel etc I'm not sure if we will have moved on a massive amount.

Taking into account the increasing drift towards a lack of collective thinking and a 'fuck the world' attitude I don't see it being a nicer place in the future. The governments would be struggling with ever increasing politically correct red tape and regulation to ensure robot like compliance from their people whilst individual citizens retreated further into their virtually impregnable homes to hide behind their computers and higher definition TV's.

What did you want to be when you grew up

I had some ridiculous notions of what I was going to be when I got older. A reasonable constant seemed to be joining the RAF and becoming a pilot. It sounds very exotic and I did go so far as to investigate their A' level sponsorship scheme. The problems I had with my dislocating knees worked against me but I think in honesty the idea that it was a completely different life steered me away from it. I did have a brief period where I thought I would be an author after trying to pen a novel at the age of 14 called Squadron of Wolves. Wilbur Smiths Eagle in the Sky seemed to serve as the inspiration but my storytelling wasn't that great. I enjoyed getting down the action scenes but I'd get bogged down in the mire of exposition.

I really enjoyed Geology at school and maybe should have persuaded this more into further education. At the time it didn't seem there were a great deal of positions that would be available in this field (yeah like we're never looking for more oil fields etc). The thing was I could never look at going to university to study Norse mythology to then become a banker.

What were your favourite toys

I guess this would have to be Lego. I was an only child when I grew up (my brother came along when I was 14) and thus learnt to keep myself entertained with numerous flights of imagination. As a younger kid I used to play with Playmobile a lot but would find the positions you could put them in after a battle limiting. You could only really insert a toy knife in the hinge joint between their legs and torso if you wanted to create a conflict aftermath. Of course this was overlooking the historical errors that I had Playmobile knights fighting Playmobile cowboys.

I had a large tub of Lego and would regularly make spaceships and contraptions out of it which kept me occupied for hours. Many a time I would create a fleet of fantastic spaceships or alternatively just one big one. I even made weapons out of them which I remember once taking to school as part of a fancy dress when I wore my camo pyjamas and went as a soldier. War at playtime was great until I dropped the guns which naturally exploded into hundreds of Lego bricks. Every Christmas instead of having a nativity scene I would create some kind of space vista with the words Merry Christmas on it.

I liked playing soldiers but never seemed to have enough to really recreate anything that looked halfway decent. I had an Action Man but never all the accessories for it.

What cartoon character did you like the best when you were younger

Oh this is a toughie. I don't remember having a character that I was hugely into. I remember the likes of G-force, Dungeons & Dragons, Ulysses-31 and even Dangermouse after school but none that I seemed to really latch onto. Tom & Jerry was always a perennial favourite to catch on TV and there are so many different ones that they did, that it was rare that you always saw the same one.

I used to love the way that Tom would scream when his tail got injured or the way his human owner would say 'Thomas'. I know whenever I think of a proper fridge and a healthy bank balance I'd want it to be like a Tom & Jerry fridge. Stuffed full of goodies, pies, dessert, cakes, cooked chickens etc.

I always preferred Tom. Maybe it's liking the underdog or how whenever he really caught Jerry he would never seem to injure him. The best ones were if they ever joined forces against a clear enemy. In answer to the question I guess it would be Tom & Jerry then. 

What was your favourite school lunch

By the time of secondary school lunches were in a canteen style but at junior school you only ever got two choices. I have memories of finding 'eyes' in the mash potato but overall they are memories of good food. They did like a cowboy pie that was chunks of ham and baked beans that I used to just love. If I'm honest though it has to be the fish fingers on Friday with chips and beans. Wow.

What was your favourite subject in school

This would be Geography. I was always fascinated by physical geography. Rivers, mountains, valleys, volcanoes etc. There was just something about it that filled me with genuine awe and wonder. Made me feel so small. Unfortunately the syllabus meant we had to do socio and economic geography about favelas, shanty and shopping centre catchment areas, which although useful-ish now weren't that exciting then. I did A' level geography and did a GCSE in Geology, which was definitely more physical geography and hence right up my street. The school didn't offer to A' level, especially as there were only two pupils that wanted to do but I had the chance to go on to Uni to study it.

Oh and I did also like English Language, primarily for all the stories that it allowed me to write.

What school sport did you enjoy

I wasn't really big into sports at school. They always seemed like a good chance to be ridiculed or make a fool of yourself. I liked some of the athletics stuff like running and the high jump but after dislocating my kneecap when I was 14 and then again at 15 it made me wary of competing in a lot of sport. When at junior school I really enjoyed swimming and liked to do the charity swims for the British Heart Foundation. I never shined at football not possessing the skills to be a star and preferring just to boot the ball up the field from my position in defence.

My very first car was a silver Triumph Acclaim and it was a great little car. I actually passed my test (first time) but then didn't drive for another three years as I didn't really need it whilst commuting and didn't have the funds to buy one. The Acclaim became available as a mates grand dad was selling it. I called it the Silver Hornet and it served me very well for nights out where sometimes it would have six people crammed in it, complete runs down to Ramsgate and even one Christmas when I fitted it out with decorations and everything. I loved the independence and freedom that it gave me and I hope my brother can sample that same feeling when he gets his.

What was your first job

My first job really was working in a local book shop called Sherratt & Hughes. I gone there to do a weeks work experience and thankfully they offered me a Saturday / Thursday evening position. I must have done this for about three years or so and met one of the real heart crushers I experienced as a young man. Her name was Vicky and she used to wear Bodyshop's White Musk, which drove me crazy. Even to the point that once or twice I might have smelt the collar of her coat when I was in the staff room. It was as sick as it sounds. I wasn't naked and covered in jello but I did love that fragrance.

Are you more similar to your mum or your dad

Umm this is interesting. I don't know my dad a great deal. My parents divorced when I was 9 and I saw him sporadically after this. We had a kinda big falling out a few years back when he wanted to see me so I could complete his side of the family at some family gathering. I sent him an email that wasn't unkind but reasonably firm in that if he wanted to engage me it needed to be more than just to fill out a family photo.

From the age of 9 my mum, until she re-married when I was 12 was everything to me. Mum, big sister and we were very close. Hence I think I am similar to her. There are some ways when I am diametrically opposed but I think I get my sensitivity (is this a good thing?) from her.

Do you prefer cats or dogs

Definitely would be dogs. I like how they are pleased to see you and are very good at listening andI find cats arrogant creatures. Coming and eating when they want, dis-interested in you being there and always showing you their arse when sitting on your lap. Saying this though and we did have two cats when I was about 7 or 8. Jake and Bimba. Jake was a lovely tomcat who would let you do anything to him in fussing and loving but we think a workman might have scared him when we had a new kitchen fitted and he never wanted to come in the house after this.

When I was growing up through my teens we had a German Shepherd called Witch who I loved a great deal. As a family I don't think we treated her very well and I'm always a little ashamed by that but when my folks went away on holiday I'd give her the run of the house and we always seemed to bond a lot closer. One of my most memorable moments of calm and happiness was with her.

Now of course is the time of Biscuit, who although not mine, is something I'm very fond of.

Do you agree in gay adoption

No I do not. I believe the perfect environment to bring up a child is that of a mother and father. Yes love is important but so is having the balance in input of both sexes. If gays wish to have children themselves through whatever means then it's a free country and maybe they should. But when it's the government's responsibility to ensure that the child that is currently within it's care should go to a proper home I do not think it's life should be used as a social experiment.

In what era would you most have like to have grown up

I guess it would probably be the 1920's. I know it was rough then and times hard but I think the best time to have been alive and a man would have been during the second world war, hence why I would have wanted to grow up in the 20's. Now I realise that everything wasn't sugar coated and there was a good chance you could die but when you read about that time, it seems Britain was a wonderful place.

Yes I'm aware that that was partly down to morale boosting but I feel there was a real spirit of the country being united against a common enemy. Normal pettiness didn't exist as much and many more people were aware of their civic duties and responsibilities. Nowadays we can't even seem to get the trains to run on time but back then we stood for something as a country. We might have sacrificed everything and financially crippled ourselves but we stood up and alone to the bully and in no word of underestimation helped save the modern world.

There was a real chance that we could have been invaded and hence needed everyone to pull together. Perversely it was this very danger of being killed that I think would make you feel more alive. Not knowing if you would die would you make you appreciate living even more. It brough focus and purpose to ones life and helped break down the normal British barriers of class and reserve. If you had friends you were more likely to tell them how much you liked them and similarly with loved ones where I'm sure the relationship would be a lot more intense.

Should marijuana be legalized

No. I argued that cannabis shouldn't have been legalised for it sends out all the wrong impressions. Ok, it might not be dangerous but isn't it better for the police to simply turn a blind eye rather than have this big public announcement that 'hey cannabis is now ok'. Surely that will just generate public curiosity as to what it is all about.

Maybe it never needed to be criminalized but as it was, what was actually gained from de-criminalizing it. Nothing. It was just to make the politicians who brought in appear cool and led to an increase in it's usage, which is hardly a great thing. The same argument applies to the calls for marijuana to be legalized. Doing so won't help, so why do it.

What quality do you think is most important in marriage

I would say love but many people seem unaware of what this actually constitutes. To me it is everything so in the absence of that I'll say Consideration.

If possible would you live year round in your favourite season

No. Change is a good thing and to appreciate the warmth of summer you have to have the cold of winter.

What's your favourite quotation

No guesses that it would be from a film - "small moves Ellie, small moves"

What song evokes the strongest memories for you

This is a toughie and I might have to cop out. I only do so because so many songs come with so many memories. Bon Jovi reminds me of being out with my mates in their cars, different dance music reminds me of times dancing in my bedroom or being in a club, Barbara Dickson reminds me of my step-dad, Abba & Boney M remind me of growing up, Freda Payne's Band of Gold song always reminds me that this is the song my dad played for my mum when she had just had me in hospital. It's a good song but it always strikes me that it was an odd choice at my birth for both of them to be celebrating it with a song that talks about "All that's left is a band of gold, all that's left of the dreams I hold", Jean Michel Jarre reminds me how out of touch I was with popular music when I was obsessed with his music.

Your best bet is to give me a song and then ask me what memory it generates.

If you could change one thing about the way you look what would it be

I don't consider myself good looking. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder so how could I but I acknowledge I'm not 'traditionally' handsome. I don't know if I can pin it down to one thing though. My eyes are ok and my lips a little on the full size. Maybe it's my nose. I do know though that when I see a side profile of my face I always think 'gormless prat'.

What question would you ask a psychic about the future

I don't believe in psychic's as I think they only tell you want you want to hear or something so bland that it could apply to anyone. "You will find love" or "You'll hear from someone you know".

If they were the genuine article I'd ask them for the winning Euro lottery numbers and if they'd answer everything but that I'd ask them if my brother will find real happiness with someone.

What is your favourite book and movie

I am Legend. Titanic.

What makes you laugh the hardest

Dry, observational humour

What would you most like to do for someone else if you had the money and time

Take my brother to Las Vegas and show him all the things I loved there.

Would you stop eating all junk food to live 5 years longer

No.

I'm not looking forward to my old age years so enjoying food that I like now and cutting out 5 extra years of dribbling and not knowing my own name is not a hard decision to make.

Do you think space exploration is important

Most definately. It's the advancement of our civilization. People say it's a lot of wasted money when there are more deserving causes but those will never be resolved. We need to keep pushing forward and evolving. If you look at us as late teenage children then exploring space is like whether we should learn to drive.

Sure we can get around on public transport but to really progress and find our own place we need our own transport. I've always been disappointed how we seem to have slowed down on the space race. We apparently went to the moon in the 70's but have done very little since. We need that next big leap forward in space travel and then genuinely exciting times could commence.

Would you rather be smarter, more athletic or better-looking

I'll take the better looking. Being smarter is no good if you can't apply it and I can't see anything I'd rather be doing but am not down to lack of intelligence. Being more athletic makes no difference unless I was genuinely world beating at something whereas being better-looking might mean I'd have had more girlfriends and female interaction. If I'd had this I think I'd be a lot more settled and balanced by now. Shallow as it seems I'd love to be more popular with the opposite sex and I think the latter is the best way of making that happen.

What do you think is the ideal age

I've often pondered the question but more in the context of being a vampire. I mean if you were going to be turned to be immortal ever more when would you want that to be. I guess the optimum time is when the balance is there between physical fitness etc and mental agility/intelligence.

Saying this though if you were turned at 21 you'd still have all the years of mental ageing to gain wisdom so maybe that isn't such a good example. If then I look back at myself and think when did I have that better balance then I guess it would probably be 29-30 though I think mentally I'm a more complete person now that I was then.

Would you prefer money for a housekeeper, cook, gardener or personal secretary

I don't think my palette is sophisticated enough to warrant a cook and I do enjoy the act of cooking, I don't have a garden and when I get a place would either have a balcony or as low a maintenance garden as possible, a personal secretary would only be worthwhile if fulfilling some kind of sexual fantasy ie large breasted, tight shirted, short skirted, with glasses and her hair tied up that could be shook down when wanting to relax.

So I guess if I had to have someone it would be the housekeeper to take care of all the boring crap like washing, hoovering and tidying up.

If you could give all human beings one virtue which would you choose

Consideration of others.

What do you believe will happen to you after you die

Honestly, nothing. We are just a collection of cells like any other organism. It's great to believe this notion that we have souls and they go to a better place but we are just beings and when we die we simply cease to exist. We stop, that's it. Yes, we have individual personalities that are formed by our upbringing and experiences but I don't look on them as being ethereal in anyway.

The notion of heaven always seems mixed up aswell. Talk to some and they'll be like 'when I'm in heaven there'll be women and drink and great living' but if you are up in God's domain and that kind of stuff is frowned on down here why will it be acceptable in his apartment. Surely it would by holy, reserved and plain boring.

What obligation do you believe you have to your country

To defend it whether verbally or physically, to obey it's laws, be respectful of it's culture and have a sense of pride in it.

If you decided to go on a spiritual journey where would you go and what would you do

I guess this depends on your definition of spirituality. I would look at it as something that would not affect as much physically but more affect my mental state. It would affect what I felt or how I saw things from then on. To do this I would probably look at a spiritual journey as going somewhere that would fill me with awe and wonder.

I've always thought that maybe somewhere like Machu Pichu would really affect me. If I could get a quiet moment when it wasn't over-run with tourists, I think the heady combination of it's incredible geographical location plus the history that it was steeped in would cause me to think about it on a far deeper level. This feeling of being small in something far greater could also be well served if I ever saw the Northern Lights. Seeing the result of far bigger cosmic forces at work would probably blow my mind.

If you were an army general what battle strategies would you invoke to win

If I were an army general I'd use skirmishes, raiding parties and the cover of darkness to harass my enemy. I'd use the ground as a weapon if possible by filling ditches with fuel to funnel the enemy where I wanted them to be for the attack.

I could never understand when I was younger and saw the battles of old why the men would just continue walking forward in a line waiting to be cut down by gunfire or arrows. Attack the mofo's at night. Use the lack of light to hide your numbers and cause panic. I do find myself watching films like Khartoum, Zulu and even Day of the Dead, although the enemy are braindead zombies, and wonder how I would go about defending or attacking the enemy.

The main priority in battle is to kill the most amount of enemy for the least amount of your own. I'd always keep enough back to plug gaps, press the advantage or flank them round the back.

Do you live more in the past, present or future

Umm. To some extent I live in the past as I'm regularly thinking of what I could have done different or rueing over lost opportunities. Keeping a journal to be able to look back on reveals a certain fascination with the past I guess. I'd also say that I live in the present. I make a tokenist gesture to saving but ultimately, and with time running out on how I'm perceived I'm trying to live for the now so I can't say I wasted chance in the future.

The one I can say with the most clarity is that I don't live in the future. Screw the future. I've not got a wife, kids or responsibilites. I spent time thinking and worrying about that when younger and ended up missing the present. It sounds nihilistic but what happens in the future will happen and if it all goes to shit then there is always suicide.

What's your favourite section of a bookstore

I used to work in a bookstore actually but if I'm killing time then you'll probably find me either in the movie section looking at books on the making of films, special effects, film composers etc or maybe in the travel section looking at places I'd love to go.

There's a book in Waterstones called the Most wonderful hotels in the World or something and the photography and destinations within are amazing. It's always good to put them in the memory bank for when I'm finding it hard to sleep and want to imagine where I'd go if I won the lottery.

If you live to be 100 would it be more important to have a sharp mind or a fit body

The notion of living that old is quite scary. Who wants to be around when you can't do anything about it and I doubt I'll have planned enough to keep myself in food and clothes for that long. Dribbling to death in tatty pyjamas and a fraying armchair is not a way I want to go. The question has a no win scenario doesn't it.

If you had a sharp mind you assume you'd be trapped inside a useless body but what's the point in a spritely physique if you don't even know your own name. I guess the answer would have to be sharp mind. At least you can still read, think and be stimulated.

How will our culture change in the next 100 years

Our race to the stars, which surely represents our next evolutionary step, seems to have slowed down to a snails pace and effectively wiped out the thoughts of all those sci fi writers and our colonisation of the planets. I guess communication will become easier, smaller and quicker. The spread of knowledge will become even more immediate with the evolving possibilities of the internet embracing us all. As technology races ever onwards I assume some will keep up and others will fall behind leading to tension and conflict.

But wait, sorry this question is about our culture. I don't know if the cult of personality can continue to grow. Is there a breaking point for how much Heat and Ok we can stomach . Will the self serving nature of personality and it's entourage eventually fold in on itself. Will personalities and their adulation by the masses keep marching on as lower grades of personality slot in behind them.

Will the internet help the younger generations become more tolerant and aware of other countries due to the ability to so readily interact with them through chat rooms, forums and online gaming. Will the world effectively shrink through the power of communication and will inturn cultures begin to cross fertilise.

As the English speaking ideas and culture permeate through the world will we begin to adopt more Chinese or Indian ways. Will smaller cultures disappear to the memory books until we are left with two or three clearly distinctive groups. 

Considering I'm meant to be answering the question I seem to have raised a load of my own but I don't honestly see it improving. People become worse, more insular and more selfish. Everyone is out to get what they can, when they can and I don't see human nature changing that much.