Yeah I like my food although that statement doesn’t imply that I’m a fat bastard. Just that I enjoy certain dishes. I’ll be the first to admit that I’ve got simple tastes and am likely to get more excited for a spaghetti bolognaise or steak and chips rather than some fois grais over sea bass creation.

I don’t consider myself a great cook or anything but being anally retentive (can’t you tell) like to excel at the limited number of dishes that I cook but first... 

 

Alcoholic drinks

I've got a bit of a sweet tooth I confess and do like my Coke or Pepsi, Coke being the number one if I had to choose.  It took me a bit of time to get into alcoholic drinks.  I didn't like the taste of lager, and still don't, and my stomach's reaction to it arriving is to normally violently reject it about 20 minutes later.  The first proper alcoholic drink I used to consume was mirage and lemonade (very manly) before I moved onto southern comfort, lime and lemonade.  Along with this, vodka & orange or archers & lemonade I would get drunk although at the time I used to do most of the driving.

Alcopops made their appearance in the early 90's and although hated by the daily mail were much loved by myself.  I remember having my first Woody's in the City Ale and Wine house in London and just loving it. Christ, at last I could drink something that tasted like opal fruits and also get pissed, bliss.  At least I could drink something out of a bottle like my mates did with their lagers and I could feel a little more manly, overlooking the fact that I was now drinking a much derided kids drink. I was so blown away by it I managed to track down it's makers and find a wholesalers that stocked it way down near Whitstable.  I drove there and bought two crates which I then took to a friends party and they went down a storm.  In fact I was so keyed up about great they were and how popular I believed they were going to be that I sent a letter to their sales force asking for a job.  Unwisely they turned me down and I only say unwisely because I was so damn motivated that I could have sold it to anyone.

Anyway I seemed to remain in love with alcopops progressing through the hooch and smirnoff ices (which I never hugely liked but tolerated) to todays nirvana which is reef and the red ones in particular.  I don't get drunk that much nowadays but I do enjoy the taste of a cold red reef.  I don't like guiness and I've tried to like wine but just don't.  I think the drinking of wine looks really classy but try as I might I just can't develop a taste for it and only use red wine in sauces etc when cooking.

I'm someone who really drinks for the effect of getting drunk. What I mean is that I won't drink a few bottles for the taste but only properly drink if I mean to get drunk. I don't like getting cabs at the best of times so if I've arranged a cab I intend to make full use of it by getting mashed.  To this end I must say that I find shots very effective.  When younger I discovered green chartreuse which is pretty disgusting but certainly did the job.  It's also meant to be an aphrodisiac but knowing my lothario like abilities it's no surprise to say that I never got to test this.  It used to be great giving this to someone cocksure of their abilities to handle drink to see them five minutes later dancing around like a loon, rosy cheeks and all.

Over time other shots came out including aftershock which is great and for which we invented a particular way of consuming it. You can do this with any individual aftershock colour, my favourite is red, and a combination of a couple of them can only improve the impact:

Take the drink, chink glasses, cry 'dos ver danya', chuck the whole drink in your mouth and hold it there. Check your watch and force your tongue to the roof of your mouth for 15 seconds. Then push your tongue to the side of your mouth for 15 seconds, then down to the bottom of your mouth for 15 and then to the other side for a final 15 seconds (emulating the clock). Take a final swish round your mouth, swallow the liquid and immediately draw in breath through your mouth. Stand back, let your eyes water, feel the warmth race down your throat and chest and the effect tingle your brain. The aftershock clock rocks!

My brother and I (when he got to the legal drinking age obviously) discovered the joys of absinthe.  First we found the Le Fez version available to buy in Tesco's. 68% proof.  Then the pleasures of Black Absinthe - 80% proof, topped only recently by one that he bought back from portugal which is green and is 85% proof.  This is the ultimate shot. I'm not afraid to say that it makes you nervous before swallowing and once you have causes the hairs to stand up over your body, makes you go cold and then immediately heat up. Works a treat and I'm sure three (not yet had more than one) should set you up perfectly for a night out if you intended to then drink nothing more alcoholic.

Since this I managed to find on absinthe.com the strongest available Absinthe. It's called Hapsburg, or at least that is who it's by and it weighs in at a whopping 89.9%. It really is potent. A couple of these shots and you are rosy cheeked and chatting away to anyone and anything.

But hey don't think me a dribbling neanderthal desperately looking for my next big hit of absinthe or necking reefs like they were going out of fashion. I can be smooth, I can be sophisticated and will enjoy nothing more than a glass of baileys over ice to mellow me out, slow down the heart rate or when in the company of someone special.

Finally, and if you've read some of my journal entries, I'm not adverse to going a little 'freestyle' in creating an assortment of potent liquer/shot combos.

 

My snobby hierarchy of supermarkets

Marks & Spencer : Can never really justify buying food in here though I'd love to. Their hickory steak pizza and individual cheesecakes are excellent.

Waitrose : Own produce is very good but rarely go in them though I used to when working in Sevenoaks. Slightly stuffy but that seems to guarantee quality. Their own brand tangy cheese tortillas are excellent and very cheesy, perfect with a nice sour cream dip.

Sainsburys : My usual port of call and restored as my favourite. I trust their own brand produce and though maybe a touch more expensive they have bucked their ideas up and I like them. Strengths include their garlic breads, both ciabatta and the large variety, size of their sour cream dip pots, bags of ready to microwave vegetables, strawberry laces, tinned steak and curry and frozen sausages.

Tesco's : Comfortable shopping here and have confidence in their own brand produce though some are better than others. Strengths include their lumache pasta which I can't find anywhere else, their mince is better and cheaper, finest carrot cake is truly excellent, grated cheddar cheese is cheaper and their pre cooked meals & meat/chicken section is greater in volume and range.

Asda : Would only ever buy branded products from here, bar milk which even they can't screw up. They always seem a little dirty and poorly stocked but as they are aimed at a slightly lower class offer better deals on bottles of soft drink and alcohol.

Morrisons : Would never shop here. I simply don't like the brand which feels cheap, northern and chavvy. 

 

Large supermarkets killing off small corner shops

I'm sorry but I'm happy to see this continue. The romantic notion of a rustic corner shop is lovely but I'd rather shop at a Tesco's or Sainsburys anyday and buy fresh products at a reasonable price from a brand that I can trust rather than some over priced, out of date, non branded piece of shit that's been lurking on the dust covered shelf of a corner shop.

If I want a soft drink then I want proper Coca-cola not happy shopper rola cola, I'd rather have Heinz baked beans than Spar's own and I've been more impressed with mince bought from Tesco's that I ever have with mince bought from a butchers.

 

Single & Double cream

Ok, I understand the difference between these two entities and appreciate them in equal measure but can someone explain to me the following variants of cream that I see in my local superstores:

Half fat Double cream - isn't this effectively single cream?

Extra thick Single cream - isn't this effectively double cream?

 

Dangerous biscuit removal

It might not be as fraught as defusing a 1,000 lb bomb with a mercury detonator but removing a 'sandwich' like biscuit from a tight, tube style packet of biscuits does have it's own risks.

If instead of removing the required biscuit from the packet through the exploratory nature of your thumb, you actually separate the top half from the bottom half along the cream filling fault line you might as well just throw the whole packet away because your thumb won't be 'in the zone' again until you do. 

 

Counting the calories instead of the pennies

It's funny how things change.  When I was younger and didn't have much cash I would wander round the shops picking up pies or cakes or pre made meals (lasagnes etc) and think 'If only I could afford to eat these all the time and justify the price of buying them' before invariably putting them down and getting the ingredients of beans on toast.

Now I'm a little older with a bit more money yet because I'm trying to lose a few pounds I find myself picking up the very same items, studying the back and thinking 'If only I could be eating all those calories'. When bored on the running machine in the gym it's easy to become fixated on the calorie burning reader on the machine.  Half an hour of knackering, sweating running/walking and you've burnt 400-500 calories. Check out the back of these tasty morsels and the idea of negating all your hard work in the gym with a quick hit seems very depressing.

I know it's for the best but it's just comical to have gone from I can't afford it due to the size of my wallet to I really shouldn't eat it due to the size of my waistline!

 

Beans to the side or beans on toast

For me it has to be beans to the side of the toast. Letting your toast go soggy is subscribing to anarchy. Put them to the side and then I'll be responsible for deciding when and how I choose to introduce the toast to the beans. 

 

Walkers crisps and their best before date

When purchasing Walkers make sure the best before date is a minimum of six weeks away from the date of purchase.  An ideal scenario for the perfect freshness and crispiness is two months but this is not always achievable.

 

Pre-heating the toaster

I get a lot of flak about this but it genuinely works. If you are thinking of some beans on toast, then whack the sliders down on the toaster while you get everything else ready.  This way when it comes to cook the toast it will be done correctly and quickly.

I look at it that the toaster, although designed to provide quicker heat, still needs warming up. Hence if you drop in some bread straight away the toast will take longer to brown.  The longer it takes to brown the more it seems to be drained of life and what comes out has the texture of Ryvita.

It might sound crazy but just try it. Cook two lots of toast and I guarantee that the second lot will taste better.

 

Kingsmill over Hovis

I used to be a Hovis bread man through and through but I've got to hand it to Kingsmill for they came into the game and have won me over.  I think it's a combination of things really.

Firstly their bread is fresher, and remains so, for a longer period of time. I like my bread to look white and retain that almost 'fluffy' texture but Hovis bread that I get is either straight away (like the loaf I bought last night) or very quickly becomes 'honey-comby'. Where the surface of the bread almost looks like that of a sponge and you can see that the freshness has almost dried away.  I'm normally a 'half a loaf down' merchant in that when pulling out two slices I will go half way down the loaf to retrieve the freshest.  In a lot less cases than any other maker do I feel the need to do this with Kingsmill and normally suffice with going about 2-3 slices down.

Secondly I think it is down to the texture and colour of their wrapping.  I'm a sucker for the squeeze test to almost 'feel' the freshness of the loaf in its springyness when I give it a little grope. The texture of their wrapping feels a lot more tactile and smoother in my grasp and maybe this appeals on a conscious and subconscious level.  I think there is something about it being branded in white which is almost opaque whereas the Hovis wrapping (baked beans) is a lot darker.

Anyway Kingsmill is what I always go for when given a choice.

 

Tins of chopped tomatoes

Just a quick point but how come whether if I'm in Tesco's or Sainsburys and go to pick up a can of tinned tomatoes half of them are always dented.  I pick up other tins of food, baked beans, soup etc but the ratio of dented tins is never as high as it is with tinned tomatoes.

Why are these picked on, do they make good items to throw around in the warehouse, does Frankie Dettori (who recently launched his own tinned tomatoes) employ someone to go around caving in the side of his competitors or is it just a supermarket policy designed to bemuse and confuse the general public?

 

Hot dogs

A great snack.  Low maintenance on washing up and very quick to prepare.  The best frankfurters are Herta's and the jumbo ones (four to a pack, £2.09 in sainsburys) are the daddy's.  Careful selection of the finger rolls is required here and efforts should be made to 'not drop the ball' before you have started.  It can be hard to find the perfect finger roll.  They are either too short (dog sticks out either end which of course is unsightly), too narrow (the roll tears down the middle mid consumption and a ketchup covered dog lands in your lap) or too crusty (the roll explodes with every bite leaving you with a bread-confetti face and lap).

Cut down the middle (not to the side), ensuring that you don't puncture the lower part of the roll.  Prise apart, apply butter, ketchup and a little grated cheese.  Place jumbo dog in roll and with a sharp knife slice down the middle of the dog, creating a gulley that descends about half way down.  Add another line of ketchup in newly created groove (and mustard if you desire) and consume with a can of cold coke and a big smile.

To this piece I must also add that we have a nice selection of choices when requesting a dog off whoever might be preparing them that day in the office. Allow me to provide you with the ultimate list.

Vanilla - Finger roll and a dog.

Vanilla Lite - Finger roll and a half dog (ie sliced right down the middle).

Classic - Finger roll, dog and ketchup/mustard.

Classic Deluxe - Finger roll, dog, onions and ketchup/mustard.

Pedigree Dog - Finger roll with a thin veneer of butter, sprinkling of grated cheese, dog and ketchup/mustard.

Pedigree Dog Deluxe - Finger roll with a thin veneer of butter, sprinkling of grated cheese, dog, onions and ketchup/mustard.

Dog Log - Two slices of white bread, two dogs halved (ie sliced right down the middle creating four pieces) and all laid face down on the bottom slice with ketchup/mustard.

 

Poor man’s fondue

Particularly good when on a limited budget, time or just can’t decide. A fresh baguette or a few rolls cut and buttered served with a bowl of hot, creamy Heinz baked beans and a fork. The key with the beans is once tipped in the pan, swirl water round the tin to pick up residue and then deposit in the pan. This way you increase the amount of tomato sauce. Cook quite strongly so it reduces and almost becomes a little ‘pulpy’ but not where the beans are mashed up.

You can either just dunk the bread straight in the sauce, although collecting the actual beans will be harder and this is where I suggest the use of a fork. A good meal, filling and not that much washing up!

 

The perfect Bolognaise

I love spag bol, who doesn’t, as it’s a great lasting meal and can also be quite social to cook. If I haven’t seen my brother for a couple of days its great to have a chat while preparing it. While he’s on the wok, I’m chopping the ingredients. These amounts will create a big portion but that’s good to then save for later days in the week. My recipe has continually evolved, and I like it for that, from the humble beginnings of boiling frozen mince and adding a tin of tomatoes to the wizardry that we have today.

Heat a little olive oil in a wok or large frying pan and brown 800g of lean (less than 10% fat) mince in a wok. You can buy fattier mince which is cheaper but you then have to tip the fat away and I think lose some of juices and meaty taste so lean is always the best way. Crumble two Oxo cubes, added some Schwartz mixed herbs and a ‘flick’ of salt and pepper whilst turning over the mince. Finely chop a medium onion; peel, slice and quarter a carrot; slice a courgette and halve and then add to the mince. You could also add some chopped red pepper but scraping/peeling off the skin can be an awful pain. Cut into slices or quarter (feel free to freestyle here) 400-450g of closed cup mushrooms and add to mince. Heat it all together adding to a little water to aid in its movement around the wok and also for the juices to blend and permeate the ingredients.

Add a 400g tin of Napolina chopped tomatoes (isn’t every 1 out of 2 tins of tomatoes always dented in the supermarket!) and stir in. Loyd Grossman in my opinion makes excellent sauces and either the Bolognaise one (425g), Chargrilled vegetables or Sweet red pepper one (350g) are equally good. I find the sweet red pepper sauce adds a little bite, if you haven’t added your own chopped red pepper. Half refill the jar with water and swirl round to collect debris, pour into empty tin of Tomatoes to do the same and empty into wok. Squeeze in half a tube (200g) of tomato puree, half a glass of red wine and couple of hearty Worcester sauce splodges. Bring it to the boil, stirring away, and then reduce to its lowest heat. It will look like there is too much liquid but over time it will reduce, becoming richer and thicker in colour and texture. Stir every 15-20 minutes and cook slowly for about an hour.

Bring to the boil a pan of lightly salted water and add your pasta of choice. Spaghetti is always a good bet if you want to serve the traditional dish but should you wish to ‘mix it up’ then I’d suggest Lumache. It’s like shells (Conchiglie) but you don’t get the regular, and hugely frustrating, occurrence of about 3 or 4 shells all stuck together in one which isn’t all that tasty. Add about 150-200g of pasta per person and cover. Pop a garlic baguette into the oven at the same time.

Drain the pasta when cooked and return about two thirds to the pan. Add a large knob of butter and stir thus preventing the pasta from sticking together. Add the bolognaise sauce (with these portions you probably want to portion off about a third of it for another day) and stir well. Now here's the magic. Add a 1/2 to 2/3s a carton of single cream. Allow 2 minutes or so on a light gas to ‘niche’ it together while you serve the garlic bread with an accompanying sour cream and chive dip. Serve into pasta bowls, liberally sprinkle with grated mature cheddar cheese which you allow to melt whilst enjoying the garlic bread and then tuck in. I like to eat with either a hearty glass of coke, ice and lemon or sparkling peach water.

 

Egg and crumb chicken

Take some chicken fillets and cut into smaller goujons, normally getting about three out of every fillet. Be sure to remove veins, tendons (those white bits) and any other crap. There is a tendency to think ‘well the breadcrumbs will hide it’ but deep down you’ll know and nobody wants to be disappointed or put off it cutting through the chicken.

Beat two eggs in a bowl and transfer goujons into here ensuring that get a good dousing then transfer to a bowl containing golden breadcrumbs (into which you could sprinkle some mixed herbs but not too many). Roll until completely covered, put on a plate and repeat. Heat some margarine in a large flat, frying pan until its bubbling and lay in the chicken. You need to cook for about 15-20 mins ensuring the fat stays hot enough to ensure it’s crispy and golden. Don’t be afraid to add more margarine as this is part of the process. Place on a kitchen towel to absorb any fat once cooked and then transfer to waiting plate.

Make sure that you have previously purchased a deep fat fryer (De Longhi are good) and throw in some steak or crinkle chips. Oven chips are the devils work and should NEVER, EVER be considered. You might as well eat the polystyrene tray that the chicken came in for all the taste they offer. I recommend serving with baked beans (see recipe under poor man’s fondue) and buttered bread to enable the creation of one chip butty.

 

How to cook mushy peas

Same technique as baked beans but add more water and heat more furiously before allowing to reduce. This ensures a thick, gelatinous sauce that can be applied like wet plaster to all manner of chips or fish. Always use Farrows giant marrowfat processed peas. Like Heinz when it comes to baked beans, there really is no room for substitute.

 

The perfect cup of tea

In this day and age of tea bags many assume that the manufacture of a cup of tea is a piece of piss. They are invariably wrong. Always add fresh water to the kettle before boiling, give it a good shake and rinse and remove those chunks of limestone that will add sediment to the tea.

Remove tea bag from packet and give it a shake before popping in the cup. This will remove the fine tea powder that exists inside the packet and can cause the tea to go ‘mottley’ or leopardy as we call it. Add water, stir until water is dark and remove quickly (leaving tea bag in for too long can also increase chance of ‘leopardization’).

Add milk and then, and only then, add the sugar. This is important for if despite all your endeavours the tea is still leopardy then shaking the sugar over the surface of the tea causes the sugar to take the film into the belly of the tea and removes it.

In summary shake bag, don’t leave to stand (it’s designed to deliver the taste quickly) and add the sugar last.

 

Toast and marmite

Try this. Butter the toast as normal and add the marmite. Munch your way through the toast and when you get to the final bite of toast add a small slither of butter (not too much) and pop it in your mouth. Ah, bliss. The marmite has created a savoury taste in your mouth yet that final hit of butter just adds a certain something.

 

In defense of Mellow Birds

Yes, I like Mellow Birds and are proud to admit it.  I might like the smell of a freshly opened jar of Nescafe gold blend but just not the taste.  It may be about as far removed from coffee as say wine but I like its smooth brown water taste.  A little sugar, a dash of milk and a spoonful of powder and you've got yourself a great mellow experience which is only increased when you have the joy of breaking the gold foil seal on the first go.